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dealing-with-mom-getting-cancer
so back in april mom got diagnosed with colon cancer, to be specific rectosigmoid carcinoma.
bunch of test has been done, which varies from colonoscopy, biopsy, mri, ct scan, and pet scan
started from siloam hostpital karawaci, then transferred to island hospital in penang. which my got stroke cause of hearing the news (?), medically mom’s high blood pressure is interferring with the anesthesia. the malaysians got a good chunk of her colon to (probably) kill the growth of the cancer. now she has a colostomy bag attached. talk about shitting efficiency.
now she’s lying down i guess for good. slim to none chance of having her life back as normal. all motor function on the left side is gone.
i’ve tried to process this a bunch of times. by thinking what to do when she’s gone, or what to do while she’s still “her” and probably still can process things.
has been hard for everyone, i got the worst i guess? i can’t function normally i think of her all the time when i’m not around her. shit’s bugging me tf out.
i’m writing this probaly to journal shit about shit i’ve done to my mom when she’s not her 100% i guess. i’ve bought her things, like a good wheelchair, a doorbell so that she doesn’t have to shout anymore to call me or mbak ati. still she’s really uncomfortable with the pain her stomach.
as of now, my mom’s on respirator which is a really bad fucking sign. probably cancer’s metastasized to her lungs and liver (based on ct scan in malaysia). people’s telling me to believe on miracles but all the fucking data is pointed to the way that i don’t fucking like. which is fine for an engineer/scientist, but as a son, it’s fucking horrible. no fucking amount of good is worth how bad this feel.
been trying to read about being a cancer caregiver, they only give me robotic to do list that has contributed to nothing but “coping” to the sadness. probably because of my history of dark jokes, nothing really cuts that deep anymore but the feeling of losing someone you genuinely love.
suddenly nothing else matters. my deadlines don’t matter, my ongoing bike projects don’t matter, my personal issues don’t matter. nothing else matters
at this point in time, probably, of all the ways to lose a person, death is the kindest
2025-06-08 04:37:11
p.s.
super proud of my little brother, if you somehow see this. know that i’m really blessed with a brother like you.
2025-06-16 19:24:24.869972 - today my mom’s in a good mood because of tante agnes, i’ve been making a conjecture for a while, it says ‘hati yang gembira adalah obat’ and started to see some confounding variables on this. thus far i’ve found 4 “confounding variables” that massively improves my mom’s mood: inangudha diana, tulang ilham, tante agnes, and my personal favorite tante sus and mbak bo. i can say that they are confounding variables because of how my mom can goof around a little bit, a slither of nostalgia is in the air. this improves my mom’s mood towards the good side. after a week of groaning in pain i find a little bit of happiness seeing that my mom can enjoy a little bit of her past life. i hope she knows that there are no going backs after this. i remember there’s a saying life is like a book but you can’t go back to previous pages. hah, what a life. oh almost forgot, tulang rusman my mom’s “ex” is very kind. this kind disproves a theory of mine which is “eros” love isn’t permanent, true eros is.
2025-06-16 19:29:49.957731 - starting to read books again. i should really consider to reorganize my second brain for new books. with all this idle time in my hands i should squeeze the shit out of it.
2025-06-23T04:13:11+07:00 - after developing a new symtomp of kidney failure, now mom’s voice is very “parau” only single word now coming out of her mouth. its sad to see day by day mom is literally decaying. fuck cancer.
2025-06-23T04:18:02+07:00 - cukup kaget tiba2 si tolol ini bilang udah bilangin kalo memilih opsi paliatif. padahal nyokap belum milih. entah apa yang dipikirin si tolol ini tau2 milih opsi untuk biarin nyokap mati tanpa ada perjuangan sedikitput. pake alasan udah dikasih tau sama dokter ralph nya pula. najis banget. makin benci gua ama ni orang. dikasih otoritas malah dieksploitasi. person like this should rot in fucking hell.
2025-06-23T04:18:38+07:00 - oh dokter ralph nya juga udah bilang kalo udah terlalu telat buat kemo. sedikit relief karena dari awal sudah skeptis kalo nyokap bakal kuat kalo kemo.
2025-06-30T18:36:59+07:00 - she died. peacefully, one. last. breath. i can’t fully comprehend the pain it has given me. the pain of seeing her taking her last breath? fuck. sekarang tau apa yang lebih sakit daripada sakit gigi, sakit hati dan sakit jatuh dari motor terus dikasih alkohol/asam/garam. that breath. that one last breath. that one last loooong breath of life. then nothing.
2025-06-30T18:43:32+07:00 - sometimes when I look up the night sky filled with stars I hope she also looks down on me to see what she has created.
2025-07-09T00:19:13+07:00 - sekarang jadi jauh lebih “sibuk” atau lebih tepatnya mulai banyak ambil inisiatif yang sebenernya gak gitu penting. lebih banyak acara biar bisa sedikit melupakan sakitnya kalau mami sudah gak ada. lupa bukan berarti sudah hilang sama sekali ya. tetep ada sesekali, randomly sih terutama kalo ada yang lagi bahas ibu. tapi ya sudah gpp lah, i can’t heal this wound. what i can do is to live with it. i guesS?
2025-08-17T09:33:29+07:00 - wow almost two months now, i’m getting more “nicer” than usual, i get to talk to friends that i don’t really know (fia), consoling her about her relationship. i know i should meddle with this kinds of shit but hey anything to distract me from anything that is remotely correlated with my mom. i took golang to production mom! heh, people probably won’t notice but it’s designed for long and battle tested multi timeline table sycning. i keep missing her especially when i sleep at her house. i drive everyday from home to work, it’s really excruciating especially when there’s traffic but hey mom survived it for 30+ year without a motorcycle, she relied on public trans, which in indo is fucking ass. but she survived. i don’t know how, but she did it. i don’t where all this “power” of me getting through traffic came from, but i’ll do this until mba ati won’t live there anymore.